This brick that Amazon delivered by drone fell from the New England sky and landed on my head, making me cheer for the Cleveland Browns. I obviously have a concussion.
I would do anything to be able to cheer for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. It looks like so much fun. He seems to want to win games. I can’t imagine a quarterback of the Cleveland Browns doing that. It must be super awesome to cheer for Tom Brady, one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history – no exaggeration..
But I can’t. I cheer for Brandon Weeden, one of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history – no exaggeration. I am voodoo cursed. I cheer for the Cleveland Browns. Did I tell you Brandon Weeden also has a concussion? So does his backup quarterback, Jason Campbell.
My head hurts. Actually, my brain hurts. Ouch! Did I say, “ouch” already? I can’t remember. Besides my obvious drone-induced concussion, the only other plausible explanation for my cheering for the Cleveland Browns is a curse that goes back decades to what I call “the old country” on a plot of land where tomatoes and children once grew, somewhere east of the Cuyahoga River.
During my time in New England, I have watched Tom Brady play spectacular quarterback every week for the New England Patriots while I have cheered from afar for the likes of Weeden, Charlie Frye, and Brady Quinn, to name three of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history.
There are more many more sad names on the list of Browns quarterbacks in the running for worst quarterback in NFL history. The list is so long and pathetic, it is impossible to get through it without starting to sob.
That’s why I am so optimistic about this week, when the Browns play the Patriots.
It appears I may get to cheer for a new incompetent, indecisive, inaccurate, noodle-armed (but a nice guy) knucklehead off-the-street quarterback, because that’s the best that Cleveland Browns ever put on the field. In fact, they may start a quarterback they signed off of Youtube. This is not hyperbole.
Hyperbole is impossible for a Cleveland Browns fan living in New England, where life would be so much nicer if I could just get myself to cheer for Bill Belichick’s team.
But he and I, as a Browns fan, have a history. When Bill Belichick was just a jerk who was learning how to coach, he was the coach of the Cleveland Browns. Then he came to New England and became a genius coach. That’s how it works for Browns fans. Hyperbole is just another brick on my cheerful head.
This is an adaption from Brian Tarcy’s What’s Gonna Happen NFL predictions column that mixes political satire with NFL picks. Over there, Brian predicts the Cleveland Browns to win every week.
— Brian Tarcy